10 Things Mamas Are Tired Of Hearing (Part 1)
“You should keep her out of the direct sun.”
“You should let him cry until he falls asleep.”
Mama, it’s time to get candid on some of the comments we hear.
Apparently, when we become moms, everyone suddenly has a strong opinion on all our parenting choices.
Whether it’s unsolicited advice or unhelpful commentary, I’m sure you’ve heard some things that you’ve tried your hardest to brush off…things that you wish you could forget.
But words are powerful.
And sometimes what you hear sticks with you for a long time. No matter how well-meaning the comment might have been, it creeps its way into your mind and hurts your heart.
We are often our own loudest and harshest critics. When someone vocalizes one, if not all, of our deepest insecurities, it can feel defeating and so isolating. This is especially true for those of us suffering from a postnatal mood disorder, who want nothing more than to just feel better.
No one understands better than other mamas what it’s like to have your feelings dismissed, your actions criticized, and your struggles diminished. We hear it too, mama.
Now, the motherhood community is speaking up. And it’s been a long time coming.
To make this list more digestible for our readers, we decided to split this up into 2 parts! Part 2 will be posted next week. Here are the first 5 things we here at Bloome are tired of hearing.
1. “Just enjoy your baby while they’re little.”
Do I miss the days when my baby was so small she fit perfectly in the crook of my arm? Of course, I do. I miss that little nugget every day. I am always in awe of how fast and yet how slowly time is passing.
It made me feel small and guilty when others would tell me to just enjoy it while it lasted when deep inside I knew I wasn’t. I was very much struggling with the early days of motherhood.
Mama, it’s okay to count down the minutes until they’re asleep - to crave quiet hours to yourself for some peace of mind.
You are allowed to not love every minute. You are allowed to have bad days. You are allowed to wish that this was easier.
You’re not a bad mom. It doesn’t mean that you don’t deeply appreciate these days.
It means you need a much-deserved break and WAY more support. It takes time to honor your journey and embrace your complicated emotions.
2. “Welcome to motherhood! This is just how it is.”
Motherhood is so much more.
The journey is more nuanced —more complex— than this simple statement.
This is a period of vulnerability, raw emotion, and immense discovery.
It’s messy and complicated, wonderful and intense.
We learn about our babies just as much as we learn about ourselves.
We shouldn’t dismiss our experience just because someone said “this is how it is”.
If anything, this statement can just be a catalyst for changing the world of postpartum support that mamas need and deserve.
This shouldn’t be just how it is. It should be better, and it can be better.
3. “Don’t be ungrateful. Some people can’t even have kids.”
Oof.
Okay, we’re definitely not ungrateful. Nor are we trying to invalidate the struggle that so many women face when trying to grow their families.
When we share that we’re feeling pain, and not the picturesque bliss of motherhood portrayed in the media, our intentions are mistaken for thanklessness and resentment. Not only is that inaccurate and unfair, but this assumption also causes us to carry feelings of shame.
Shame is intensely corrosive and shuts us down immediately. We’re less likely to speak up again out of sheer guilt. We end up suffering in silence when all we really want - and need - is patience, understanding, and the chance to be truly heard.
4. “You have such an easy baby.”
Thank you, BUT that doesn’t make us feel better when we’re already feeling insecure about... literally everything.
I had what most people would consider an “easy” baby. She mostly took her naps, wasn’t too fussy, and slept for a good length of time at night (well, most of the time anyway).
And my experience was not easy.
I was an emotional wreck. Everything had changed, even my relationship with the dog was different.
I wasn’t nearly as prepared for my postpartum as I should’ve been. Having an “easy” baby never changed that fact. It didn’t mend the fatigue or negate my need for extra support. It didn’t change the fact that I still felt helpless, alone, and unfit.
She might have been an easier baby than most, but I was not easy on myself. Let’s just say there were many tears and not all of them came from the baby.
Just because a baby has a calm temperament and a good sleep schedule, doesn’t mean that the mama isn’t struggling. Both things can be true at the same time.
5. “Just wait until…”
Of course, there are some people that mean nothing by this. For them, it’s a funny way to relate and give a friendly heads up for what’s to come.
But there’s nothing more disheartening than being told that something worse is on the horizon when you’re expressing how badly you’re struggling.
Just wait until the baby comes...you’ll never sleep again!
Oh, just wait until the end of your pregnancy. You’ll be so uncomfortable!
Just wait until they start teething!
Just wait until they start crawling!
Just wait until they get into all your stuff!
Just wait until they start throwing tantrums!
When we’re already overwhelmed and drained of all energy, it’s hard to see that things will ever be okay. We’re already just trying to survive the day, and then to hear that it’ll continue to be an uphill battle...no thanks. We don’t have room for that stress here.
Constant reminders of the challenges ahead can make it hard to appreciate those moments that do bring us unbridled happiness.
Because motherhood is not all hardship. It’s filled with irreplaceable, sweet instances of tenderness and fulfillment, moments of love, laughter, and so much light.
It’s easy for these “just wait” comments to overshadow the positives and just heighten our anxieties.
Instead, what we really want to hear is this: “Oh yes, I remember those days. I totally understand where you are.”
Now, THAT would be appreciated.
—
Whew.! What a list! And that’s only part 1. Next week, we’ll continue and get into the last 5 things we’re tired of hearing.
We’re just loving the focus on maternal health, and all the beautiful mothers speaking up so loudly to say in a single voice: our health is important. It’s so crucial for us to come together and lift each other up.
This is why community is essential in motherhood. We must stay connected to have all the love and support we have to offer when we’re feeling at our most vulnerable.
Mama, we want to hear from you. Did we miss anything? What other things do you hear that you’re tired of hearing?
Comment below!