Shining the Spotlight On Identity Struggles in Motherhood
When you become a mother for the first time, your baby isn’t the only one who is born.
You are (re)born, mama.
And while we can prepare like crazy for the coming of our precious bundle, it’s hard to be truly ready for the change in ourselves. It happens to every mama whether that’s right at the start... or several years down the road.
When talking with other mothers about shared experiences, one of the things that I hear so often in these moments of vulnerability is this:
I don’t feel like myself anymore.
I totally hear you. Because when I became a mom, my world slowed down dramatically. It was no longer just about me. It was about keeping my tiny human fed, happy, and loved. Those newborn days were such a blur, but one of the strongest feelings I still remember was a deep sense of loss.
I missed my old life and my routines that I’d grown so comfortable with.
But that was gone.
It was replaced by something completely new, which scared the you-know-what out of me. I wasn’t sure if I could be a “good” mom. I didn’t feel confident in anything I did those first few weeks, but I tried my best (as we all do) and hoped that it was enough - that I was enough.
Mama, I gotta tell you. I didn’t recognize myself at all. And some days, I still don’t. I continue to evolve just as you do with every milestone that we reach.
Motherhood changes us all in little and big ways, one of the biggest being a major shift in identity. With this shift come feelings of uncertainty, fear, and self-doubt.
And it’s normal.
Why Do We Experience An Identity Crisis In Motherhood?
Our postpartum experience affects each mama differently, but one thing remains consistent for all of us: there’s a period of pivotal adjustment. What does this mean?
We’re internally rearranging what we consider to be important to us.
Our priorities shift from ourselves to our baby and new family.
Our established routines are evolving into something very, very new.
And that can leave us feeling seriously unbalanced. The very foundation that we’ve built for ourselves - the life that defined us - has transformed overnight.
It’s a lot, mama. You knew it was coming, but even that knowledge doesn’t prepare you for the reality of it - the reality of early motherhood.
Mom fact: our babies are our priority. But in the process of making sure we meet their needs, we forget about taking care of ourselves.
And at this time, while it is exhausting and overwhelming, and can feel so confusing, I want you to know that there’s also tremendous growth happening in you.
Embracing Identity Change In Motherhood
Mama, you’re still in there. You’re just making room for the woman that you’re blossoming into. These two pieces of you are now coming together.
As with all major life changes, it can be challenging to adapt. Sometimes, we’ll even fight it every step of the way.
Oh, how I wish there was a magic wand we could wave to make it easier.
Becoming a mama is a process that is distinct for each of us. It takes time, patience, and honest reflection. It takes acceptance and flexibility. It takes self-compassion.
Here’s my point, mama: we don’t have to lose ourselves entirely.
Although it can feel so much like you’re mourning the loss of “the old you”, I hope that a different perspective emerges for you.
Even in the hardest of times, you are flourishing. You are maturing into a role that heightens your strengths and shines a light on ones you didn’t know you had.
Everyone goes through an evolution.
So you experience this evolution in what can feel like the loneliest time of your life. But you are not alone. For me, you, and all the other mama’s out there, let’s talk about 3 ways that can help us accept these changes.
Stop Comparing Yourself
If I could go back in time and tell myself one thing as a new mom, it would be this: stop comparing yourself to other mothers.
I would see all these wonderful and beautiful mamas thriving in motherhood, and then there was me, rockin’ that mom bun, an oversized shirt covered in spit-up, and sweatpants that I haven’t changed out of in days. And basically just winging it.
That wasn’t who I normally was. I loved getting myself dolled up and ready for the day. Yet in those moments, that is what I preferred. It wasn’t so much that I didn’t have the time, although that’s a factor, let’s be honest. It was because that’s what made me comfortable in my early mama days.
But I also couldn’t help but peek at social media and feel guilty that I didn’t seem to have it all together.
My thoughts sounded a little bit like this:
She looks like she has it so much easier than me
My baby doesn’t seem as happy as hers
I wish I was loving this as much as she seems to be
She looks like she has everything figured out. Why can’t I be like that?
Oof. The thoughts we have are hurtful when we consistently compare ourselves like this to other moms.
And the comparison does something else. It makes us feel like we need to catch up with other moms and match them - that we need to be someone that we’re not ready to be just yet. It pressures us to strive for perfection. We start to believe that we need to be happy and “on” all the time. We should enjoy every single moment.
But that’s far from reality, isn’t it?
This line of thinking only makes us even more unsure of who we are as mothers. The truth is we all learn and grow in our own way, in our own time. You’ll get to where we need to be, mama. I promise.
Motherhood One Day At a Time
Making time for self-care and doing the things that bring us joy can feel like extra work nowadays. We might feel like we just don’t have the energy to do what we need to restore our balance.
Part of our overwhelm is remembering everything that we loved doing and all of the activities we wished we had time for.
Focus on one thing at a time, mama. What is calling out to you right now?
Meaning to dedicate some time each day to that book you love? Let’s do this.
Wanting to set aside one or two days a week for a workout class you’ve been wanting to try? Let’s make it happen.
Trying to get back to your comfort show that makes you feel all kinds of happy? Netflix, here you come.
They’re small steps, but ultimately ones that help you pick up the things you love doing. And slowly but surely, you’ll start to feel more like yourself. When you’re ready and feeling a bit more restored, you can then plan on what might come next on your list.
Acceptance
I didn’t realize that finding myself as a mother would be this hard, nor did I expect this to be part of my struggles.
Truthfully, I often avoided looking at myself in the mirror.
Because when I did, I knew that the person looking back at me wasn’t quite me. I recognized her shape, but ultimately she was a stranger who was anxious and lonely and felt the enormous pressure she put upon herself to get it just right.
If you’re feeling the same, this doesn’t make you a bad mom. It just means your human.
So for right now, we accept that we’re mothers trying so hard to keep our heads above water. We acknowledge the exhaustion but remind ourselves of the beautiful and blossoming love for a tiny human who sees us as their whole world.
And this takes an incredible amount of inner strength. But you do it anyway, mama.
One day, we will fully welcome and embrace this new life of ours. We will see all the ways we grew. And it’s okay if we’re struggling with that right now.
Our decision to power through the toughest moments is a testament to our capability.
Life looks different now but we will mold it into something truly special.
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